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Sorry for being too much

January 5, 2020

Sorry for being too much.

I promise, I'm doing my best.

I know, I can be hard to be around when I'm depressed.

I know, I pull away when the thoughts get too loud in my head.

I know, I sometimes disappear without saying a word.

I know, I can be irritable and irrational and it can hurt.

I promise, I'm doing my best.

I'm doing my best to get better.

The NHS told me I was too ill for therapy,

--they sent a letter.

I don't mind paying a therapist,

I just don't have the money.

I guess I'm also sorry for being unreliable.

For not always making the rent.

I promise, I'm doing my best.

I know, I said I'd show up to help.

I know, I was supposed to meet you today.

I know, it's the fourth time in a row I've flaked.

It's gotten to the point where I can't leave the house unless I'm baked.

And even then it's hard to deal with the crowds.

Thoughts so loud, afraid of a public breakdown.

Worried about not being myself.

Scared I won't be fun to be around.

Don't wanna be "that guy who's bringing the mood down"

That gig looks fun, but I can't afford it.

Scared to be too far from home in case I need to hide.

I'm sorry, I know you were depending on my help.

I'm sorry for not being dependable.

I'm sorry for not showing up on time.

I'm sorry it took me two weeks to reply.

I'm sorry I don't have job.

I'm sorry I've not been returning your calls.

I'm sorry for not being the friend/partner/brother/son I should be.

I know I can do better and I try to everyday.

I promise.

I'm doing my best.

Ibby EL-Serafy

Ibby EL-Serafy

Hey, I'm Ibby, a human being living in Sheffield